Spiritual Abuse Part 1
When you hear the words spiritual abuse what comes to mind? Do your muscles tense up because you have felt the blow of abuse from a spiritual leader? Or does it seem like something that happens at other churches? Maybe spiritual abuse happened to someone at your church, or maybe you wonder if it’s happening now, but how do you ever really know for sure? What does “spiritual abuse” even mean?
I think sometimes we can hear the words “spiritual abuse” and we aren’t really sure what to do or where to go from there. Or we aren’t sure how to respond when someone says, “I went through spiritual abuse at my church.” Maybe we have an idea of what it is, but when given real life examples, our experiences seem to clash with reality. So, one reason I want to write about spiritual abuse is to help lend a voice and provide a working definition for us to move forward from.
Recently, I was having a conversation with a pastor and he shared how he would define spiritual abuse. I did not agree with his definition. He asked me how I would define spiritual abuse; I said abuse happens when someone uses someone else, for their own benefit. The pastor said he believes it is only when someone profits monetarily off of someone else. I think that is too narrow of a definition, but I did not feel comfortable explaining myself further as the conversation went on.
Diane Langberg, author of Redeeming Power; Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church says:
“The word abuse comes from the Latin abuti. It means ‘to misuse or use wrongly’ and encompasses the ideas of exploiting, causing injury, assaulting, and perpetrating violence and offensive language. When a relationship is abusive in any form, the story being written is twisted and damaging.”
Wade Mullen, author of Something’s Not Right, defines abuse in this way:
“When someone treats you as an object they are willing to harm for their own benefit, abuse has occurred, and that person has become an abuser. Some of the worst forms of abuse are psychological. The victim may never be physically touched but nevertheless is traumatized by the experience of being emotionally manipulated and held captive by lies, threats, and neglect.”
To be clear, I am not suggesting all instances of being hurt by people in a church necessarily falls under the term spiritual abuse. We live in a broken world where great spiritual leaders have lied and relegated responsibilities. I think we need to be careful in discerning between being hurt and patterns of abuse. But my fear is that too often we minimize another’s experience. Patterns of abuse are often marked with dismissiveness when confronted, or blame shifting, or a lack of repentance and empathy for how another has experienced their leadership. Typically, people who are not abusive seek forgiveness and reconciliation when they know they have offended someone else.
I am also writing about this topic because writing provides a solace and allows me to release so much of the hurt I am working through. Sharing my story silences the shame and lends way to freedom. Hopefully, what I share will help others find hope in Christ when all they may see are the trees in the forest but can’t see the small beams of light shining through because the forest is so dense.
Another reason I feel a burden to talk about the winding road through spiritual abuse is because too often the abuser tries to silence those who confront it, or they try to tell their version of the story which is not their story to tell. It is important to tell the truth even when/if no one believes you. Wade Mullen says,
“Enabling abuse means allowing it the power it needs to control others… The best antidote to deception is truth. Silence grants evil exactly what it needs to be effective. Truth helps us speak what has been unspeakable, express what has been inexpressible, and articulate feelings for which we could not find the appropriate words. Truth helps us move from confusion to clarity and from captivity to freedom.”
Maybe you can count on one hand the number of people who truly cared and listened. And sadly, maybe none of those people were the leaders at your church. You’ve heard it preached that if we are not caring for the hurting and vulnerable as a church, then we are not true disciples of God. Yet when it came down to the practice of those words, they came up empty to you. Maybe you were shamed or blamed. Too often the abuser tries to silence those who confront or they recreate another version of the story, but it is your story to tell. Again, it is important - for your freedom and for the freedom of others - to tell the truth even though it may be scary.
I have given a few reasons why I feel burdened to talk about spiritual abuse, but I want to leave you with this challenge. Ezekiel 34 speaks very strongly to those who are in positions of authority and power. Ezekiel was sent to prophesy to the shepherds of Israel who were at that time the very definition of spiritual abuse. I'm not sharing this passage to shame anyone. I am speaking to any of us that are ever in a position of authority or power over another person. We carry a deeper weight of responsibility and I think we often miss the seriousness of the passages that speak to those of us in those positions. One of the reasons we use our shepherding authority at the expense of others is because we as shepherds have forgotten that we are first and foremost sheep ourselves. We were given that authority by the one and only Good Shepherd.
Verses 4-6 says,
"You have not taken care of the weak. You have not tended the sick or bound up the injured. You have not gone looking for those who have wandered away and are lost. Instead, you have ruled them with harshness and cruelty. So my sheep have been scattered without a shepherd, and they are easy prey for any wild animal. They have wandered through all the mountains and all the hills, across the face of the earth, yet no one has gone to search for them."
I believe this is the main reason why we talk about it. Because there are sheep that are scattered and searching for safety. So, we lend our voices to and for the injured sheep. If we don't talk about it, who will?
When shepherds don't protect, sheep are left to wander. If you are wandering and no shepherd has gone looking for you, I want to say "I'm sorry." There is no greater pain than that pain of betrayal and loss, feeling like you don’t matter. We are here to listen. Please reach out to us if we can be a help or pray for you in any way.
There is hope! Hear the words of the Lord and His promise to Israel further down in the passage. This was written to Israel, but there is a day coming when all will be made right! God will make all things new and He will redeem this broken world, and He will come for His sheep!
“(11) For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search and find my sheep. (12) I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. (15) I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord. (16) I will search for my lost ones who strayed away, and I will bring them safely home again. I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak.”
I hope and pray that you will join me in these next few posts about spiritual abuse, and participate in an open dialogue. If you haven’t subscribed to our email list yet, please be sure to do that so you can get updates when we post new things! I don’t claim to have all the answers, and some of the posts may leave you with more questions, but that is ok! My goal is to share my heart, and I pray it will help another find hope in our Good Shepherd.
